The Vault of Emotions is a section I wanted to include with the ups and downs of how I am feeling through this process. There will be NO medical updates or anything from doctors to report here. Just the emotional ramblings and potentially personal details I may want to look back on.

Mental Health and A Rock Solid Foundation 4/26/21 Second Post

Well, I can’t say much has changed as far as our status or what we have learned about what is to come. But that doesn’t mean it was a boring month, because come on where would the fun in that be right? Emotionally it was a doozy and I feel like I have learned a lot about myself and I know just how much I have to learn. I also know that I am on solid ground and that is conquering half the battle right there!

I know I am far from abnormal when I say during any kind of hormonal changes, I can be a tad emotional. And that can come in many forms, indecisive, moody, mopey, generally ticked off any one at any given time. You name it and I have expressed it. Usually well pregnant I can recognize these hormone surges and I am pretty good at keeping to myself so very few people are put in harm’s way of my rollercoaster of emotions, then when it passes I resurface and all is well with the world. I have also learned in the past that during these times, I have an odd ability to get upset about something that is completely irrelevant to the current situation at hand. So, let’s say a previous pregnancy I was feeling somewhat moody, I feel it coming, tell whoever needs to know, that I am just in a mood and want a day to veg out. While in my hibernation den let’s say that a particularly daring husband decides to brave the wilderness and join me. All could be well, I could be watching something and laughing and enjoying myself, giving him a false confidence that he can spend some time with me and help cheer me up. He then makes a suggestion, note I don’t even have to specify what it is, because it doesn’t even matter. This is a moment of a mental switch that goes off in my head. This switch doesn’t trigger anything that is happening in the moment. I don’t get upset by his suggestion because I am pregnant and stressed and hot and tired and aching and scared. Nope, I get upset because once 14 years ago he fill in the blank. Say he made a similar suggestion to watch an old movie and I fell asleep and missed out on it while he continued to watch. And I burst into tears. This is somehow…obviously his fault. He brought it up, he made me remember whatever it was, and now I have to analyze what that means. Why does something that happened 14 years ago bother me today, why did I react to whatever it was in the way that I did, how did he respond and why, how is he responding now and why. You could fill this situation in, in any number of ways. It could be a movie he watched, and I missed, a conversation I wanted to have and didn’t, a comment he made that I took the wrong way…but was it the wrong way or did he mean it the way I took it, and then it is on my mind for HOURS!! I want to think it through, look at it from every angle, talk about it, figure it out. Again, this is something that never actually means anything in the grand scheme of life. It could be a tiny blip of a thing that meant even less at the time, but now that it was in the back of my mind for 14 years it seems like a good time to discuss it!! This is something that has happened with previous pregnancies. We talk, we analyze, I cry about why in the world am I obsessed with this and I don’t even care about it to begin with, and he is just puzzled and waiting for it to pass. But you know by now, this isn’t your average pregnancy, everything has to be 10 fold, right??

So, in previous times what would be a night of a crazed emotional woman’s antics over one random topic from the past. This go around it turned into weeks of no sleep, analyzing multiple random topics at the same time, and the never ending need to “solve what it meant”. I know for a fact some people would think I am nuts and they have never experienced anything like this, so good for you. However, this isn’t actually uncommon. In fact, it is a well-known stereotype for women. I would say most people have heard comments, whether in real life or in movies and books, about a woman digging up something in the past. “You forgot to take out the trash” turns into “And another thing, I know you stayed an extra hour at the poker night game with the boys 10 years ago and you said you stopped to get gas” Thus an argument ensues. Usually implying that the woman was being overly emotional and ambushed the man. Now what I didn’t know is that this is an actual mental reaction to the hormones we process. It is called Rumination. This is something I had never heard of, and it can build to be OCD Rumination.

Medical Definition of rumination

: the act or process of ruminating:

obsessive thinking about an idea, situation, or choice especially when it interferes with normal mental functioning specifically

: a focusing of one's attention on negative or distressing thoughts or feelings that when excessive or prolonged may lead to or exacerbate an episode of depression.

Rumination and OCD

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) can affect anyone, regardless of age or gender, and can manifest quite differently in one sufferer from the next. Rumination is a core feature of OCD that causes a person to spend an inordinate amount time worrying about, analyzing, and trying to understand or clarify a particular thought or theme. Rumination occurs in all forms and subtypes of OCD in which person indulges in long periods of time perseverating on the topic of their obsessions, such as contamination or mental checking.

Rumination within OCD can cause a variety of intrusive thoughts that are different for each person. A person may experience symptoms of OCD that involve multiple themes and subtypes of OCD, and it is not unusual for a person to suddenly experience obsessions about new OCD content areas.

Once I found this, I began to back track my history of having this issue. I then put together that most often this happened while pregnant, and occasionally other times when I would have an abnormal surge of hormones. I was totally filling a stereotype. Then I did a little digging and found out that studies have been done, with woman who are pregnant and have these mental difficulties, boy would they have had a lot to study with me this go around!! I won’t go into the specifics of what I was ruminating about, because like I said none of it was relevant, also there were so many topics this time and some of them more personal then I would get into on a public website! But basically, it was the same thing, I could be feeling great and then a memory would hit me, and I would want to figure it out. If that meant trying to solve if my memory is correct or if I have blocked something out to make myself feel better, or if I think I don’t have all the pieces to that memory I want to go over and over and over it to see if I can fill it all in to my satisfaction. This could involve John, or not, it could be any point in my past as long as I deemed it unsolved. And I could be fine 23 out of 24 hours and then it would hit me. I could be fine all day and wear myself out and then right when I go to close my eyes my mind would dive right back in and I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I went 3 weeks and most nights I only got 2.5-4 hours of sleep. And I would wake up fresh as a daisy. I didn’t feel the need to sleep. I would just be awake and I either had to do something to keep my mind on things that are actually relevant, or I would lie there and go over and over some of the dumbest things you could think of, knowing I should sleep but I just could not stop thinking about it. After a couple weeks of this, I would start to feel bad about it. When I would ask John for the 50^th time what he thought it meant when someone said something in conversation 10 years ago, or when I just couldn’t explain to him why I couldn’t just stop, it would get worse. Because then not only was I thinking all these things, I felt guilty, I felt crazy, I felt over whelmed. A couple time this would bring on a panic attack. Then once I would get myself down from that, more guilt. I knew John was worried, and this happen to fall over the same time frame that he was completely overwhelmed at work, and had a ton of stress from that, so I don’t think I have ever internally felt like more of a burden then I did during those weeks. And a few times, before my research really, we would have some false hope that I was “better”. I would untangle some web of mystery that was haunting me, I would talk with him, and this usually led us to conversations about us, and our love story and how we built our lives together and what an amazing journey it has been. Those days were great (I later figured out that this almost always happened when he would be home on days off, more time with him, more getting things done and feeling accomplished and him happy and with the family away from work and this later became relevant) we are more in love then ever, happy and enjoying our time together and laughing and thankful for whatever paths brought us to where we are in this moment. Then something else would hit me and we would wake up to it all over again. Often times he would fall asleep and I wouldn’t and he would wake up and know I was stuck in my head again. I know it was hard on him, it was like walking on eggshells, he would love the times we had together and being happy, but he would be worried when he would leave me or go to sleep because he didn’t know what I would be like next. Now I should also mention, I was still functional, really only John and my Mom knew I would have these moments because they were mostly at night and it was all over thinking of things, nothing scary, or really worrisome, I could acknowledge that I was spending WAY too much time thinking about some things that are completely irrelevant, and I could not stop. The panic attacks (only two I think but I would have to ask John, I am sure he remembers) and the guilt were what was concerning. So, some really high highs, and some rocky weird times with a couple low lows. After the first low point is when I started looking things up. Once I found that study, I was able to put some pieces together.

When I am hormonal in any facet, I have a feeling of not being in control, and I hate it. I don’t like being emotional, ever, so when I feel this way, I want to avoid it. So apparently my minds response is to pull something up to focus on that I don’t actually care about, dump all those out of control emotions onto that and go from there. It’s like an avoidance, a defense mechanism so I don’t have to say, I am worried about the pregnancy, or having another kid, or getting everything done that I need to do. I make my mind focus on something else until the surge drops down. Well with this pregnancy not only are the hormones and emotions higher, so are the worries and concerns. So I think this time my mind needed a whole lot of distraction to avoid the issues at hand. I have no control over my delivery, the health conditions of the baby, my recovery, if we are really prepared for the challenge, how the girls will take all the new changes, I have no control over ANY of it. So I get a lovely boost of hormones and my emotions start to face those issues I can’t control, and my mind kicks in with whether or not John is the one who left my favorite sweatshirt at the hotel in 2001, or if a friendship from years ago that phased away, was my fault because I didn’t try hard enough to be a good friend. Those are things I CAN think about, analyze, process and come to a resolution. If my mind devotes 100% of its energy only to these types of thoughts, I am not able to focus on the fears and concerns of real life. And when I would start to crack and somewhere realize that I am choosing to focus on this instead of greater issues, I would hide that under the I am going crazy clause in my head. I would let guilt fill me up because I am going through this instead of any number of things I should be doing, or people I should be supporting, those were the panic attack days. I think I would get too close to facing a real problem and I would get truly over whelmed. And once again I couldn’t shut it off. I would solve one issue and have a great feeling of relief and then guilt and fear followed by another round of rumination. This wasn’t an all day everyday thing, but it was enough of an issue to be a task for both John and I. Slowly once I understood more about it, I was able to get back on my feet again mentally. John spent as much time as I needed balancing between helping me get some rumination thoughts out of the way and helping me face real life issues. We would tackle a project or look up a study or information that may help us with the baby, then talk to me about that old friendship I lost. So all parts of my brain were working not just one part battling another. And he and I got even closer. I kinda felt like we were dating again. We would do real life stuff, always together, then he would stay up with me and talk about goofy things, and then we would go to sleep, and I started sleeping again. We would text during the day, sometimes life stuff sometimes silly stuff sometimes just new school good old fashion flirting! And little by little I stopped finding old mysteries to unsolved and realized I have enough mysteries ahead of me to work on and put my focus there, but together with John and the girls, not just on my shoulders and in my head.

I feel like this is a very common thing to go through, I think those few weeks I may have amped the average up a little toward the extreme. But now that I feel that I know what it is, it makes it easier to process, and now that John is in on the solution, it makes it easier then ever to face. So as I sit here and rethink it all through, I can see that I have so much to learn about myself and how I process and why. I have the utmost respect for John for being right by my side always and being the one person who knew this and NEVER thought I was crazy, just wanted to help in whatever way he could. And as wacky as it sounds, he and I are both glad I went through it on such an extreme level. Because if it was what forced us to focus on each other then it was worth it. John has always been the love of my life there is no doubt about that, and we have never hit a rut or a disconnect. We have always been very lovey dovey and close and open with each other. But this, taking time in the middle of a storm to focus on each other brought it to a whole new level. We always have our attention divided in a million ways, life, school, work, bills, the kids, family, friends, that list can go on, so to take some time and tune it all out and just be there for each other is just what we both needed. Like I said, the good days were mostly when we were together, we realized that because it was good for both of us. I would get a break from being caught up in my head about nonsense, he would get a break from his work issues (which was also a problem for him to focus on instead of the issues with this pregnancy, but that is his story to tell) So on his days off we would turn to each other and remember that is the foundation of everything. It went from the everyday knowledge, acceptance and even taking for granted of the fact that we love and support each other, to truly needing each other and seeing that all that we felt was still there and as true as ever. When push comes to shove, the love and respect is there and as solid as it ever was and that is what binds us together to helps us face these battles. That is what makes it all doable and worth it. So yeah, it was a wacky month, and I feel like it was a very intense roller coaster, but I have gotten off the ride and I would do it 1000 times over. I feel a much better understanding of myself, and we checked our foundation, and it is rock solid, so we are ready to take on whatever comes our way!

So the main purpose of me writing on this website is just to keep anyone who is following updated in the pregnancy, news from the doctors and then how Will is doing in general. However, the secondary purpose is just cathartically writing out what I am going through. This is one of those posts. So for anyone not interested in my personal inner dialogue, the ups and downs of pregnancy hormones, the completely irrational struggles that I fight with then go ahead and skip this one. As I start to write this I can’t even tell you where it will lead, will I get overly personal, maybe, will I sound like a lunatic, probably, so this is your turn back warning. There will be no factual information found here, just me being a girl and posting about it!!

So for many of you that know me, you know that I rarely refer to myself as acting like a “girl”. By which I mean experiencing and expressing the complete normal range of emotions a human with hormones that sometimes dictate how we react to situations can express. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being hormonal or emotional, it is just something I generally try to avoid. I am a no nonsense, take me as I am, rub some dirt in it kind of person. That is not to say I don’t tear up at a chick flick, or get my feelings hurt on occasion. It just means that it isn’t often, it is almost exclusively when I am only with my inner circle and I tend to rebound pretty quickly. Now due to the fact that I am in fact female, these hormone surges tend to shake the industrial strength foundation that I work so hard to build. This is never more evident than when I am pregnant!! So, me pregnant equates to putting all the typical emotions in a confetti cannon and just seeing what goes up. I would say most of the time, I feel great, happy, healthy and just loving life. Then there are the times that I have completely irrational thoughts and can’t put them to the side. Sometimes it is the super stereotypical “I feel fat, unattractive, bad mom, bad wife, bad friend, lazy” really just a grab bag of low self-esteem thoughts that are not the regular thoughts I have. “Normal me” feels pretty good. Could I make some changes? Well yeah, but who couldn’t? Take me as I am or don’t, no sweat off my back. I have a bad mom day? Ok reboot and do some kick ass mom stuff the next day. Bad wife, bad friend? Ok reach out and apologize, or just make up for it. There isn’t anyone in my inner circle that judges me for my off days, that is why they are in the inner circle!! So “normal me” doesn’t really dwell on these thoughts. Pregnant me however, she is a different beast! Sometimes I cry…I know, right!! Sometimes, I get mad! Sometimes I am not about “doing stuff”. No laundry, no cooking, no dishes. With the earlier pregnancies the girls were young so, I would just call up my mom and see if she wanted to get some pizza and watch some reality tv or something. With this pregnancy these issues are even easier to solve. I have older kids, so dinner, fend for yourself!! Then just play some music, spend some time with John, whatever I need to boost me back up, move past the negativity and get to my happy place. So while all these things are outside of my normal, it’s all still manageable. Honestly even stereotypical, so no big deal life goes on.

Well, this go round we have the additional emotional battlefield of getting the diagnosis, and the upheaval we are in the midst of. Hearing that your kid will have any amount of difficulty is emotional, no matter what type of foundation you have built, so it has been a toll on all of us. John and even the girls have their way to process and that is their story to tell. As for me, I have discovered that I have a one day rule. I give myself the day to process. If I wanted to stay in bed and cry, I did. If I wanted to send the girls to my parents house and blast some music with profanity all day, I did. Whatever I needed, for one day. Then it’s time to pick myself up and get back to it. Chores still need to get done, homework still needs to be checked up on, the dog still needs to go out. So by giving myself some time to say, it's ok to be a mess right now, it made it easier to get my strength back.

So now this is all well and good, and I think I handle most things in a pretty healthy way, it is really the combo of these emotions that is the doozy. So emotional pregnant me is a beast, well when see meets up with her twisted sister “going through some shit” me it is a bumpy ride! These are those times that the irrational thoughts collide with the feelings of being overwhelmed. The major factor that I have found with this lovely combo is GUILT!! Basically the breakdown is having a down day is one thing, but when you have a down day and everyone around you needs you to support them through their journey, or the fact that you know they are having a difficult time so you don’t want to lean on them to lift you up. The irrational thought of being a burden to the people you love! It goes from, if I don’t feel up to cooking, I can call my teenager in and ask her to throw some dinner together….BUT she is emotional, she had a crap day at school, she misses her friends and hates this whole covid drama, and she has her own crap to deal with. So… GUILT!! Or I go from feeling eeky. All those nasty thoughts people can have no matter the reality. I could wave my adorable husband over and give him the sad eyes and he can put on a show and snuggle up with me to make me feel better, or if I tell him I feel less than and he can say (or do) something to prove he feels otherwise….BUT he is going through some stuff too, he has bills to pay, awful days at work, his own list of worries about the baby and life for the future. So… GUILT!! The last thing you want to be is a burden to your loved ones, to need them to take care of you, when we all need taking care of, and that is usually my job. With all these hormones feeding into my irrational thoughts, that is what creeps in. How can I add to the list of issues, I am the strong one, I am the problem solver. How can I add to the growing list of concerns for someone I love? I know, I know, they love me too and want me to be free and open and we will all get through this together…that is the easy thing to say when rational thinking is involved. But this beast plus twisted sister, has a hard time with that component. Rational thinking is not her strong suit.

So now that I have that all out I guess I see the point I am making with this post. It is a letter to myself, that it’s all ok. The whole, multifaceted mess that it is! It’s ok to feel the guilt, just not to dwell in it. I am so fortunate that I have friends to call on, sometimes they don’t even know that my just checking in call was in fact me needing a boost, a laugh or just to blow off some steam. It’s ok to cry, to take a day, or to add to someone’s list. I just make a point to try to do the same for them. Ok so I needed to ask my kid to cook dinner even though she had a crap day too. Well, her next crap day, she can do whatever she wants (more or less) listen to music, avoid her younger sisters, spend hours in her room. She gets a ‘me day’ too. It’s ok to tell my husband that I need him, that work talk can wait until tomorrow, today I need him to brush my hair, or for him to make the what to watch decision because I just can’t do it. Then the next time he has a crap day, I will listen, I will pick the show, I will grab him a beer and do what I can to be there for him. It’s ok to find the balance. It’s ok to be the downside of the see-saw sometimes. None of these are things I enjoy doing, if I could swish all these emotional moments away I would. I feel much more stable being the strong one, much more confident being the rub some dirt in it type, but that is not my option, and it’s ok! For now, I can be a girl, be a hot damn mess, and I can also be strong and a problem solver. It’s going to be a lot of things and it’s not going to be easy, but we are getting by. Hopefully my inner circle is along for the ride, and they all know I want to be the upside of the see saw for them when I can, so I can use my energy to boost them back up too!!

Well, that wraps up the current neurotic things I have going on. Thanks for reading, or if you opted out of reading, thanks for that too. Honestly I just wanted to write it, even if it’s just for me.

PS If I randomly call you tell me I am pretty and a bad ass and I will do the same if you call me!!